I won’t lie to you, right from the get go I was skeptical about the quality of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest . So sure, that may have had a factor in this review, but no one is perfect and everyone has preconceived notions, especially me.
I primarily saw it as since it would be only time to be able to socialize with my friend who was back briefly from some sort of pressing research. I winced as the $9.25 was usurped from my wallet and the ticket was exchanged in return. But hey, friendship costs money.
Arriving early to a movie always has its benefits. Good seating, less people, and amusing commercials. Emphasis on the less people aspect. I hate to sound misanthropic, but alas, it is my nature. There should be a book on movie theater etiquette, if not I shall write one, if there exists such a thing, it will find it’s home along side my copy of shotgun etiquette in my truck.
Rule One:
First come, first serve. Honest question, if you arrive after someone, and find that they are blocking your view because of their body size, is it correct to ask them to move? Seriously, they were there first, they get priority. It is the same as going to the mall and telling someone who got a better parking space than you to move so you could obtain that spot. It’s absurdity in one of its most epitomizing forms.
Rule Two:
Yes, I have eyes, I know people are coming into the theater. Now, please, be quiet. With me, or reality for that matter, there is no such thing as “fashionably late.” I know you’re twelve and it’s a big deal going to a movie with your friends, but please, I don’t care. So just because you’re so independent does not give you the excuse to be loud and inconsiderate. Walk in respectfully, I came to see a film, not to hear your banter.
Rule Three:
Food is great; just not on my feet. I’m sorry for being six feet tall. These seats don’t provide ample legroom for me, so I either curl up into the fetal position, or put my feet under your seat. Popcorn, Skittles, pretzel bites, ICEEs, and anything else should be one of three places. It’s respective container, your mouth, and not on my feet. The floor has it’s own adhesive traits from years of this abuse, my feet could do without it, thank you.
Rule Four:
I have a sense of humor, I don’t need you telling me it’s funny. I’m sorry, but the whole “Where’s the rum gone?” joke should have been isolated to the first film, and the first film alone. I swear, they wrote the entire script around that one-liner. So after everyone laughing over and over at this little verbal exchange is very irritating. Why do people laugh so hard at the most inane and unfunny things? It baffles me till no end.
Rule Five:
Please, spare me the embarrassment of bruised knees. As said in Rule Three, I’m somewhat tall, and it has it pains me in instances like cinemas, airplanes, cars, you get the point. So please, do not make it worse by smashing the back of the chairs into my kneecaps. Yes, it’s marvelous as to how the seats decline back for easier screen viewing. But when you’re not big enough to let gravity do the trick and apply pressure by pushing yourself off of the row in front of you, thus having the seat right up against my legs, that’s very uncouth. On top of it, don’t try to further my agitation by INTENTIONALLY attempting to cause me physical harm by doing it repeatedly at a blistering pace. It really ruins the whole movie-going experience for me.
I know, I know, this wasn’t so much about Pirates as it was about rules governing behavior in a movie theater, but I don’t care, it’s my article. As for the movie, the acting was subpar, the jokes and plot arcs old and predictable, the effects lame and hardly convincing, and the scripting bland. I know this is a triological franchise, just don’t make the goal for revenue so obvious with an improbable plot-twist at the end.
Go spend your money on something more worthwhile, like Superman Returns.
Jake "Teh Thor" T
